The Football season checklist:

 

Football is well and truly back now. We’ve had two weeks to work out our new sides, two weeks of watching Sky/BT and a lot of us may have been to the first home game of the season. It’s time to settle in now for the 9 months ahead. Here is a football season checklist of things you are more than likely to see, hear or experience over the coming months and I would bet you recognise a lot of them.

 

‘This is our year’ attitude. What is football without excitement and hope? This isn’t just limited to Arsenal or Liverpool fans either, every football fan starts the season with completely unjustifiable ideas about what their team can do.

‘Why do I support this team?’ Depending on who you support, this thought may vary based on the ‘this is our year’ confidence. It’s the hope that kills us. It is however more likely than not that you will watch your side play utter tripe at some point this season and genuinely question why you put yourself through it… And then 24 hours later you can recollect your thoughts and re-establish those ever optimistic beliefs. It’s a truly viscous cycle.

Deadline day boredom and disappointment. How about this then? When was the last time your team were actually active on deadline day. Don’t let Jim White wash your brains. If you’re lucky, you might seal a last minute loan for Carlton Cole but genuinely, don’t book the day off work.

Stoke City 2009 vs Stoke City 2015. This one could get monotonous. We are all completely aware that Stoke City are ambitious and are signings excellent players at will. It’s true that they are a shadow of their former selves. But we don’t need long ball and short pass %’s alongside football manager statistics from Sky Sports News to prove the point. Expect a fancy graphic showing the decline of long balls over the years, it’s going to be so insightful.

Patronising newly promoted sides. You can guarantee this one will occur uncountable times over the season. We were actually reminded on Monday that Tommy Elphick, Bournemouth’s captain, is a boyhood Liverpool fan. So of course the whole ‘dream’ narrative arises and the whole side is undermined. I’m sure any loss will be met with a ‘valiant effort’ which should show signs that they will be ‘OK’ this season.

They’re just happy to be here. Any cup game where there is an away underdog. Their fans will have made the ‘long journey in numbers’ to Old Trafford or The Emirates. Of course those fans are just their for the experience. It would be absolutely shocking if those fans actually wanted their team to win.

-‘Swansea are the template for success’. Expect a lot of this. From now on, any side in the lower leagues or who have just been promoted into the Premier League will be heavily encouraged by our countries experts to follow in Swansea’s footsteps. ‘They stayed true to their philosophy or good football’. What did I say about patronising attitudes?

Being constantly reminded that the Premier League is the best in the World, then watching El Clasico. ‘Our league is the most competitive though?’ Ok, maybe so but let us not fool ourselves into thinking any of our teams are even near Barcelona or Madrid.

Alan Curbishley is available. Sky Sports will stick this mans name onto any managerial odds graphic. He’s actually currently 250/1 to be the next England manager. When the inevitable early sacking comes, Curbs will be in good company alongside Jurgen Klopp and Frank De Boer.

Constant moaning about Michael Owen. Imagine a BT Sport game going by without the usual ‘Michael Owen just said this, wow- talk about stating the obvious’. There’s nothing actually preventing you from muting him and since when did we become such experts on the minor details of the game. Who even analyses commentary?

Only watching MOTD when your team win/draw. What’s the point in watching highlights for a game you eventually lose and then get torn to shreds by Shearer and Dixon. Its undignified and torturous. See ‘Why do I support this team?’.

The rushed England call-up. 5 goals by September and top midfielder on Fantasy Premier League?! Call him up Roy! But seriously, he probably will get called up and it’ll be a dream etc etc.

– Ruing your Fantasy Football decision making. ‘Aghhhh, I had him! I honestly had him’. Very frustrating game and probably just more stress on an already stressful weekend of football.

– The self appointed tactician. ‘The manager is clueless’ met with a fiery #out hashtag. Watch out for these. They usually base their tactics on FIFA stats or play a false 9. Once their mind is made up, there’s no changing it and they become a fully fledged tactician and will complain about selection every week.

For theSPORTbible, since deleted.

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